Want to Set Boundaries at Work? Figure Out Your Thoughts About Them First

I recently got a question about how to set better boundaries at work. And my response was the same as it would be if I get asked how to do anything — let’s look at your thoughts about it first.

As a coach, my job rarely involves giving advice on specific actions, or step-by-step instructions on how to do something. By contrast, my job is to always help you sort out your thinking about the situation so that you can figure out 1) what you want to do and 2) how to do it in a way that best works for you.

Often, when it comes to boundaries, our brains like to construct nifty little lose-lose situations for us. One example that comes up fairly often: someone may know exactly what they want (let’s say, the ability to say “no” to non-urgent weekend work). And they may have even had a conversation with their manager about that. However, they keep getting asked to do weekend work, and they keep saying “yes” to it.

In that situation, there is an underlying thought prompting the “yes” (for instance “The main value I provide at work is my willingness to say ‘yes’ to overtime.”) And, this is usually coupled with some shame-inducing thought about the inability to say ‘no’ (such as “I should be more assertive and better at setting boundaries.”) Put those together, and you have your lose-lose scenario. You think you can’t say “no” because that would mean you are not valuable. And you think you should say “no” because not doing it means you’re not strong/assertive/confident enough.

In that situation, me coming in to tell you “you should have a conversation with your boss about not wanting to do weekend work” would be profoundly unhelpful. Because guess what — you already knew that this was an option (and you may have even done this already). That is not where you are struggling. You are struggling to not feel less valuable if you say “no” to weekend work and to not feel less strong if you say “yes” to it.

So working through those beliefs is what would be truly helpful. Imagine getting to a point at which you no longer think your value is inextricably tied to your availability. And no longer seeing your response as indicative of your strength or confidence. In that situation, it would be significantly easier to figure out what you want to do and how to best do it.

That’s why, the first questions to ask when trying to set better work boundaries are not “what should I do?” or “how can I best do it?” The first helpful question is most often “what am I thinking about this?”

I can help you work through the “what am I thinking about this?” part, so you can figure out the “what should I do?” and “how can I best do it?” parts from a clearer mental place. Book a consult today.